Wisdom and Humor Online

The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotations. –Benjamin Disraeli

Here are a few great ones.

  • I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much  faster now!
  • You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
  • Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they  drink like their fathers.
  • You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That’s common sense leaving your body.
  • I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
  • I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
  • Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
  • I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
  • Old age is coming at a really bad time!
  • When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment… now, as a grown  up, it just feels like a small vacation!
  • The biggest lie I tell myself is… “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
  • Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, & the friends to post my bail when I  finally snap!
  •  I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.
  •  My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
  •  Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
  • At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why.
  • Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
  • I’ve lost my mind, but I’m pretty sure my wife took it!
  • Even duct tape can’t fix stupid… but it can muffle the sound!
  • Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

    From the Internet

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One thought on “Wisdom and Humor Online

  1. “I am easily satisfied with the very Best” Winston Churchill.

    We don’t want good sound arguments, we want arguments that sound good.

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