The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotations. –Benjamin Disraeli
Here are a few great ones.
- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
- You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
- I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
- Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
- I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
- Old age is coming at a really bad time!
- When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment… now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
- The biggest lie I tell myself is… “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
- Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
- I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.
- My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why.
- Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
- I’ve lost my mind, but I’m pretty sure my wife took it!
- Even duct tape can’t fix stupid… but it can muffle the sound!
- Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
From the Internet